She's an Exotic Amazonian-Latin-African-American

 I checked my friend's page, and there was only one post.

Wait, what?

 As much as it was filled with teenage angst and wuthering and pathetic-ness and worry and tears, I find myself really kind of missing high school.  I guess I miss the people the most, even if I wasn't particularly close with some of them.  But then the people who I was close to... I really miss that.  And I know I can't have that anymore, but the thing that makes it worse isn't that fact.  What's absolutely terrible is the fact that when I DO see these people, they're complete strangers.  It doesn't matter that years ago we shared all our secrets, desires, fears, hopes, wutherings, anything.  At this point in history it does not matter at all.

And that's just absolutely terrifying. 

 I'm nervous about applying to Oxford. Nervous nervous nervous. :(

Ever since Tess deleted her livejournal, my friends' page has gone from a full page to being only two entries.

What happened to everyone posting all the time?

I've been having really stressful dreams that aren't nightmares but they manage to freak me out more, mostly because I wake up from a nightmare and I'm fine, but these dreams stress me out when I'm sleeping and still affect me once I'm awake.  They're either really mundane or really fantastical, but either way, they're very very vivid and I end up having to force myself to wake up (which always ends up being around 8 in the morning). 

In one, I was back in high school and I was both myself and someone else (named Lorena? Lolita? L something and I think it was three syllables).  I went on some epic adventure (that was supposed to be the band trip but really wasn't) with this huge monkey-guy and we were jumping pyramids and there were forests and I didn't want to be with him but I just kept at it because I needed to follow him.  And we both turned into these skinless horse-centaur-monsters and our muscles were dried and decrepit and I was scared of him but I felt some sort of loyalty to him and wouldn't leave him.  And he was dying or something and I wanted to save him but then we were in this lake and it was supposed to turn us back into humans but I was watching myself/Loreta just get regenerated and I/she had skin again (purple) and just looked waxy and empty and her/my arms were just stump-knubs and she/I kind of just looked at me/myself and sort of shrugged as if saying, "Well, then, that didn't work" and I fell into the water again and I was so scared of falling but I wanted to get away from the still scary looking dried out skinless horse-centaur so I fell through the murky shallow water and through the mud and then I woke up.

That's the most bizarre of them all, but the stress with that one (wanting to help and be with the older, scary looking monster thing out of some sort of obligation and just wanting to get the fuck away from him because he was intimidating and cruel) was actually less than the stress with some of the more mundane ones (dreams of being weeded at Tomato Palace, getting yelled at by old ladies, meeting Coldplay [wtf?], fires, pain, being attacked by babboons, eagles chasing me through valleys, not having enough time, etc.). 

Last night was the first time I didn't have one of those dreams (or, at least, I don't remember one), so that was nice.

Anyway! I got a B in Drawing (which is surprising) and a B in American History (which is really, really surprising).  I'm really hoping to get an A in Art Appreciation and Intro to Poetry, Drama and Literature (which is transfering as a 200 level elective to SMCM, instead of just Intro to Literature), and I think I can do that better with this session.  That would give me a 3.5 at HCC, so it wouldn't really bring down my GPA, though I'm not really caring too much about that.  Just want to graduaaaaate.

Made a marinade and I'm marinating a steak (that I bought for five dollars???) and I got some basil and tomatoes from the garden and bought some fresh mozzarella (that was more expensive than the steak) and I'm excited to grill something and make food tonight.  Today was a lot better than last night.  Running errands, getting lunch with Mr. Grabenstein, cooking, getting grades.  A lot nicer than last night.

Today has been such a horrible day. And there's no reason why it should have been. I hate being just generally sad and upset and easily frustrated and just feeling paranoid and pathetic and I hate this summer. I can't remember a good summer and I'm always so disappointed by them.

And I just don't understand what the fuck I'm doing. I just want to graduate and leave and not deal with shit but that's, at the earliest, two years from now and what do I do after that anyway? I always "just want this and that to happen" and I realize that whatever "this and that" is it's not going to make me happy or anything like that once it happens, because I just wanted summer to start three years ago, I just wanted Senior year to start two years ago, I just wanted to get the fuck out of Hammond and go to England and graduate and be at St. Mary's one year ago. Obviously I'm just stuck at square one again being unhappy and not really knowing why and I want these things to happen because, secretly, I do think maybe I'll be happy then but I KNOW IT WON'T and I think I'm just stuck for the rest of my life being completely unsatisfied and stuck and knowing that there is absolutely no point. And that's really scary and I just want to snap out of it already.

I have to stop relying on others for my happiness and deal with just being upset on my own instead of getting even more upset because I can't just sit there and talk to someone about it. And I have to stop being so needy and paranoid and Jesus Christ I swear I wrote this entry weeks ago and months ago and years ago and I'm just recycling, resetting, starting over and over and I won't learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to be learning to make me stop being so annoying to myself and whiny and complain-y and why can't I just be content and happy and carefree for longer than a few weeks or a few months? Each time I think, you know, this is good, I hope this lasts and then it kind of just sneaks up on me again, just a tiny little bit, and I start to get worried about it and it just becomes a full blown mess all over again.

I'm sure I'll be over this by September.  Maybe.

I'm really excited about my Math for Social Justice project. Frustrated, a little flustered and plenty worried, but excited nonetheless. We're actually doing something that is important and makes a difference and I wish this could happen to me more often.

( I'm glad I have all this work to do because then I can't over think but sometimes there's still enough time! )

This is making me more upset than I think I'm allowing myself to admit. I just bought $8 worth of Ben & Jerry's and ate way too much of it and I feel completely uninclined to do anything. Bah!

1. The History of Love
2. Everything Is Illuminated
3. Slaughterhouse Five
4. Adverbs
5. One Hundred Years of Solitude

The first three because I can reread them several times and not get sick of them.  The last two because I figure I'll need SOME new content at some point.  Also, I need to get around to reading those already.  I was thinking about bringing The Time Traveler's Wife, but then I remembered how depressed it got me and I don't think I'd want to be on an island alone with that book, as lovely as it is.

So I had my first seriously out of body/out of self/happiness abound experience and I don't know how I feel about it.  I liked it.  I definitely think I would repeat.  I don't want to become the person who wants to experience that every day/every week/a certain number of times in a particular amount of time.  Moderation!!

And!  A real new year's/become-a-better-person resolution!  Learn on my own more often.  This kind of happened accidentally with a bunch of stuff happening in the last two days coming together so I'm thinking I should just go with it and encourage this!  With my recent discovery of the Skeptics' Guide to the Universe podcast (aided by Gerard basically forcing me to listen to it), the newly formed book club, the recently formed goal to speak Spanish with Shannon immediately preceding/following Spanish class, and my hot-off-the-press determination to go to as many interesting lectures offered on campus as possible, I think I'm on the right track.  I'm not sure that sentence is completely grammatically correct, but c'est la vie!! 

And!  Get over my pathetic inability to read/watch something upsetting!  I will:  read/watch Into the Wild, reread/finish The Time Traveler's Wife (through book club!), read 100 Years of Solitude, eventually buy and read/watch The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, reread Everything Is Illuminated in the next week... so much stuff!!  If this doesn't put me through a recession-like depression, I don't know what will!

Even though I'm only taking 15 credits (and the violin instructor hasn't emailed me back!!), I am really excited for this semester.  Maybe I'll take some summer classes at HCC to catch up/get an English class or two/get more credits/take a course I probably normally wouldn't at school since it wouldn't fulfill a requirement...  I want to start learning more things for the sake of learning them and enjoying it instead of just to say I know something about something or another.  I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense.  It's making some sort of sense in my head.  And!  The idea of auditing a class is becoming very very appealing...  Particularly Philosophy 101...  I might look into doing that this semester if there's time...  Hmmm...

And...  this is an idea I don't think I've vocalized (or even really formed in my mind).  Maybe I've just had a feeling that I never really gave my thought to...  But I don't know how I feel about going back to work at The Tomato Palace in the summer.  I feel like there's so much stress associated with that job and it's a bit frustrating.  I love it and if I serve I'm sure I'll make better money.  But who knows.  The only other place I could imagine working would be a restaurant (which doesn't help the high stress factor) or possibly Border's/Barnes & Noble or something, though I feel like one day I'll work at a bookstore and be highly disappointed.  Maybe the library!!  Hmm. I don't know how I'd feel about monotony, though.  It'd be a nice break from the STRESS! STRESS! STRESS! AHH NO TABLES! AHH THE FOOD! AHH BITCHES! AHH DIRTY BATHROOMS! AHH! AHH! AHH! I kind of go through when I go to work now, I guess.  Not that it's all bad.  Just... hmm.  I think I just want to be as far away from Jason Johnson as possible.  Aaaaaanyway.

A lot to think about.  I really liked the lecture I went to today.  It was on the Implicit Association Test and racism, Barack Obama, social psychology, conflict, Pokemon... several of the interesting things in life!!  And the woman who spoke is a candidate for a position at the school which is tres cool!  And so far, Psych Stats isn't compleeeetely horrible.  Sometimes I feel like an idiot... She's speaking and I'm understanding the words but it takes a lot of concentration for me to really get it... However, Tickle is very nice (how horrible would it be to have that last name and not be??) and helpful and is aware that almost everyone in there absolutely hates math/is only there because they have to be, so she's very accommodating in that regard.  Spanish is really frustrating.  I hate not knowing/knowing at the same time.  Or not being able to find the word, or thinking a Portuguese word translates nicely into Spanish to discover that I knew the word all along/the Portuguese word is nothing like the Spanish.

I'm taking Math for Social Justice to fulfill my math requirement.  How awesome is that??  Kung seems very enthusiastic and genuine and just an overall cool guy who bikes to work and fights for partner benefits on campus and knocks on doors the day before election and wants to change the world using math!!  I can't help but be a biiiit cynical and be like... really, the world's fucked up... we're not going to change it with one math class but god damn it I'm loving it that this guy actually cares and is so passionate about it.  And we played outside as though we were six year olds for my Environmental Perspectives class, so I think I will enjoy that. 

Last point, I swear.  I have been listening to Azure Ray a lot a lot lately.  As in... for the past... four days?  Five days?  I find it difficult to keep track of days, lately.  Anyway.  I'm in love.  Seriously.  Everytime I turn on my iPod (except for when I was listening to the podcast which I must finish!!), it's the only thing I want to hear.  Over and over and over.  Auditory sex?  I think so.  Hmm.  Actually.  More like auditory cuddling.  Yes.  Very harmonious auditory cuddling.

And that is my completely disjointed, random, exclamation point filled update!!  I think... I haven't been going through mood extremes lately.  And by lately I think I mean a few months.  I don't know if it's the (relatively) recent change of location or new people or better conversations or less stress or what but... I like it.  I think... hmm.  I know happiness is something very... elusive and I am hesitant to say this, but god damn it, Kurt Vonnegut said: "And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.'"  So.  This is nice.  Very, very nice.  :)

So, I had a lot of things planned out for this entry, but I only have a half hour until I have to get back to work for my second shift of the day.

I've determined that this summer, I sort of have to change things. I don't know where this idea came from (I have a suspicion it came from my sleep) but I'm liking it more and more as I think about it. 

I have serious issues with connectedness. I get really depressed and lonely when I'm not consistently around friends and people whose company I enjoy. Unfortunately, this feeling is exemplified right after a trip like England (sort of like what happened after Greece). I was just around my friends and good people consistently and then coming home, Rosangela and her family were here and we would go on random shenanigans, so I was always around some group of people. I guess that means I really am an extrovert (actually seems ridiculous that I would ever consider myself an introvert, but I just don't really like new people, I guess).

Anyway, I feel like I'm concentrating on having this feeling of connectedness that I've started relying on the wrong means (as in AIM, facebook, livejournal, etc.). And this is taking away time from things I wish I were doing. For example, everyone kept telling me this past week that I am so much like Rosangela's son, Gabriel. And I completely disagree. He is pretty much the type of person I'd LIKE to be. He's going to graduate and go to Holland for a gap year (he managed to convince his parents, something I was unsuccessful at). He's an accomplished musician. He has actually remained a vegetarian (something that I keep thinking about on-and-off, but we'll get to that later). He has written a freaking NOVEL. And these are things I keep thinking about, but I feel like all my thoughts and ideas keep getting cut short because I can't stand too long without knowing what's going on in the world so I check my email and my facebook and cnn and whatnot because I hate being in the dark about things and I want to not feel alone and it's so draining! 

I still haven't come to a conclusion on how I feel about eating meat and raising animals and farming versus fishing because I don't like the idea of raising things in order to be killed, but on the other hand there's the issue of overfishing and the environment and cutting down trees and I can't seem to come to a conclusion as to what I should do because I don't have the attention span I used to! 

And then there's the issue of wanting to read but being afraid to. Yes, fear of reading. Why? Because I'm afraid of reading a book and finding that it's not as good as The History of Love or God Bless You Dr. Kevorkian or Slaughterhouse Five or Everything is Illuminated. I know that not all books can be enlightening and magnificent, but anytime I think of reading something that isn't as amazing as these other books, I get a sense of dread and can't help but feel that I would be wasting my time. I want to read something magical, but chatting with a friend/acquaintance seems like a better use of my time (which it isn't, which is where my point again comes in). 

I'm sorry if this is coming out all disjointed. It made more sense in my head.

Anyway. I keep going to Borders or Books-a-million or whatnot looking for a book that will make me think and make me feel glad to have read it and then I just end up adding it to the pile of books I have yet to read. Such as Criss Cross (which I started to day at work and like so far), The Other Boleyn Girl, Elizabeth I (which I started over a year ago), Anna Karenina, Les Miserables, Stardust, A Room of One's Own. So many books that I want to read and technically have the time to, but I don't because I'm wasting my life away this summer.

And I want to take yoga! And I've determined that I will with this new found resolve of mine. I'm going to sort out this whole mess of vegetarianism and light conservation (is it really worth it for me to shower with the lights off in the daytime, if I'm trying to cut my showers in half? So far there haven't been any problems, so I'm trying to keep this habit. Maybe even only shower in the day so I never really have to turn on the bathroom light for an extended amount of time). I'm going to read more often and try and be connected with the people around me without having to communicate through the internet (there are so many more things to say that you can't in a conversation that only goes as quick as your fingers can type!). And I also feel like the internet actually breaks down relationships. Maybe this is an exaggeration, but I feel like IM turns a friendship into an acquaintance-ship if there is no other connection. Half of my friends on facebook are people I might have been friends with once-upon-a-time, but facebook hasn't kept us friends or saved a dying relationship. So maybe it just doesn't help, unlike face-to-face contact, which does plenty to help friendships.

So anyway. I think the point of this was primarily to put all my thoughts down. I've been thinking more often today (I'm convinced it's because of what I've been reading; I'm really enjoying this book) and felt the need to have everything down somewhere in case I forget (which happens a lot, unfortunately). But I guess it's turned mostly into a I'm-not-going-to-be-on-the-internet-as-often-and-the-only-way-this-will-work-is-if-I-tell-someone-or-I'll-never-stick-to-it livejournal post. So, if you'd like to communicate something to me, facebook, livejournal or gmail will not be a good means. I'm going to keep checking my smcm email just cause they sometimes send some semi-important things through there, but that'll be the extent of my planned internet use. 

I'm afraid this will backfire on me and turn me in a hermit or something. If there's an event you know I should be going to and wouldn't know about outside of facebook, please call/text me? I still want to hang out with my friends, but I'm just thinking that facebook/aim/lj aren't healthy ways for me to feel connected to people. So anyway. Call me. Let's hang out sometime. And I'm sorry if this was pointless to you and ungodly long.

 Go for it. Anonymously. Or not.

POST ANONYMOUSLY, if you want:

1. one secret.
2. one compliment.
3. one non-compliment.
4. favorite quote from a book or poem or movie or song or etc.

OR

post an anonymous comment, saying anything that you want me to know.

POST ANONYMOUSLY, if you want.

1. one secret.
2. one compliment.
3. one non-compliment.
4. lyrics to a song.
5. how old you are.
6. how long we've been friends.
7. & a hint to who you are.
8. after you do it for me, put it in your LJ and see who does it for you.

This thing's a load of crap, though. It said that there are zero Nelci Rocha's (zero Nelci's, actually). And my mom's even a citizen.

Life is so full of mysteries.

Like, how are we supposed to "find ourselves" if we're completely different people each and every single day?

...

Anonymous galore.

Say anything.

Please don't say I'm loud; I'll end up crying.

I'll take any compliments that aren't generic.

Say something unique. It doesn't even have to be about me.

I want to see beauty again.

Someone please, say something beautiful that makes my head clear and thats makes me think of just the words and their sounds and how they speak to me.

Someone please say something that makes some sense.

Reply with an anonymous comment for each, then take back to your own LJ and post:
1. One cryptic I may understand...but I may not.
2. One compliment you've wanted to give me.
3. One random thing just off the top of your head.
4. One celebrity you hate to admit you are attracted to.
5. One celebrity you love to admit you are attracted to.
6. How old do you feel?
7. About how long have we known each other/known of each other?
8. And a hint as to who you are.

Today I skipped school. My mom left for work early, so Natalia and I decided to just stay home and sleep in.

I had by far the best sleep I've ever had in my life. This whole week I haven't had a decent night's rest; even this weekend I woke up before eight every morning, and went to sleep after one every.. morning. I was running on nothing.

I need to stop eating meat. My face is feeling a lot oilier and I feel a lot more blah. I'll make that my New Year Resolution, but start today.

(Two things I am grateful for: Cinnamon, whatshisface calling me Lois Lane XD, Asian smilies that I only do when there's nothing else that could possibly express my feeling... and the fact that I can put more than two things I'm grateful for..)

After the whole thing with Billy, I've determined that I'm not going to idly sit and wait for something to happen.

(Two things: The fact that at least I know that he DID (¿does?) like me, and I wasn't going crazy, and that I won't have work on Saturday)

I printed out a couple of outlines for World History. I just hope she doesn't read them in great length to make sure they're not from the website. I hate that class.

(Two things: fridaaaaaaay :), the assembly tomorrow and Sufjan Steven's amazing lyrics)

I think I'm going to sleep early today.

Maybe..

I'm liking the complaint/two "grateful fors" thing. It's making me feel good.

EDIT:

You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” “It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.” --Jean-Paul Sartre “It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.” --Blaise Pascal More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com</table>

Existentialism... It feels nice to know I'm not crazy/alone. Though the whole point of existentialism seems to be that you are alone. It's just a group of lonely people who agree that they are unique in their similarities.

I feel like reading Nietzsche..

Haha, def. failed a quix for Pfister today.

Aaaanyway. I completely missed the Class Council meeting. I mean, I love Beall, but I hate how our meetings are always five minutes long. It just makes it completely pointless for me to come, because then, most likely I have to go scrambling to find a ride cause no one else is leaving school at that time. Luckily, Julian was staying behind making out with Cat, so I got a ride with him. 

We went to his house and I got to see the Superman ring. It's pretty cool looking. Then we talked for a while and hung out with John and his brother Alex, and I just realized how much I hang out with mostly guys this year. It's insane. But when I left to go home, I had COMPLETELY forgotten about the concert, so I had to rush to get ready. And my mom was late.

Concert sucked. Orchestra was out of tune, and it didn't go too well. Band took a WHOLE FREAKIN' HOUR. But Sara did a very pretty solo :) And I could hear Lana and I was like "LANA THIRD CHAIR W00T!" 

Gonna go with Crista Campbell to see Josh's play manana!! I'm excited :D Tobes wasn't gonna let me go, saying that I'm part of the smaller ensemble that sings with Babe, and I'd be a good support for the alto section, but she trusted that I would learn the part (w00t!)

Haha, Matt White with his "Time Out"

And way for Orchestra to FAIL at getting Leung a gift. Damn. Next year, I'm making sure we do something. Even if I have to give him a Banana Republic card out of my own pocket. Cause that was simply ridonkulous.

Reaaaally excited for Greeece. :D

Is it possible for a girl to be this happy?

Well, if it isn't I'm dreaming, or hallucinating, or am subconciously depressed and suicidal. 'Cause I'm just way way way way way too happy :)